Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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