Pappa wants mamma naked
Ketchup is God's man juice
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
