I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
