I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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