like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
