Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
