I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
