this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
