I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
