how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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