i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
