apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
