the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
