I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
