I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
