the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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