I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
