my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
