I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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