guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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