upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Randomize
