They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
