I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
