I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
