i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
