my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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