I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
