the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
