sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
