I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!