I want to walk on stilts...naked
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.