I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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