It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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