why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
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Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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