I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
My vagina is very pro this idea
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
