I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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