what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
