I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
