I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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