No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
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I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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