I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
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i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
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I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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