No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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