Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
whose parrot is this?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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