I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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