Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
