Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
