I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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