My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
