You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
