; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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