being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
