You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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