I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
