Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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