bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
