I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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