Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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