This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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