tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
