The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
