I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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